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03/30/2008
More stop loss strategies
For your consideration,
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The surge is not working in Iraq. Therefore, I propose the following strategies, that, while also destined to fail, have the inestimable value of being touted by press and politicians alike as working, at least temporarily, until refuted by the next round of escalating violence:
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The Purge:
Secret, killer micro-drones are released across Iraq. These designer weapons can be programmed to adapt and morph as the situation requires targeting any form of Islam or insurgent that can be quantified. They have the option of leaving everything in Iraq, except oil, radioactive for the next one million years.
The Urge:
Powerful laxatives are introduced into the water system rendering the terrorists indispose.
The Splurge:
This has been tried in various forms before and is akin to throwing money at the problem, but, never has it been employed to this extreme. One hundred dollar bills are dumped from cargo planes smothering insurgent strongholds in up to 15 feet of greenbacks. Daily terrorist operations will grind to a halt as money must be cleared from streets, buildings and houses. As soon as the money has been cleared we repeat until the terrorists give up in frustration.
The Dirge:
Loud, lugubrious music will play night and day throughout Iraq. Everyone will be too depressed to fight.
The Merge:
Shiites and Sunnis will be rounded up and compressed, at a one to one ratio, into one person, rendering differing theocracies irrelevant. This idea is so stupid I can't believe that I wrote it, but, we could still sell it to the public, they bought the surge didn't they? Gene
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