03/17/2011
The Arty Biffman Show
Arty:
Hello, this is Arty. What do you want to talk about?
Caller:
I just want to say that you're the greatest Arty.
Arty:
That's been well established caller, do you have anything else?
Caller:
... welfare, taxes, republican drivel, litany of republican talking points, etc., etc.
Arty:
Great call, caller thanks.
Arty:
Hello, this is Arty. What do you want to talk about?
Caller:
I just want to say that you're the greatest Arty.
Arty:
That's been well established caller, do you have anything else?
Caller:
... welfare, taxes, republican drivel, litany of republican talking points, etc., etc.
Arty:
Great call, caller thanks.
Arty:
As you know I'm a Independent so I'm in no way biased. If you believe otherwise, you're ignorant or a hater. I make a lot of money so don't mess with me. I'm King of the Hill here. Some of my best friends are police. I love police. I'd like to be sodomized by a whole bunch of young, handsome cocks, I mean cops.I can say whatever I want and you can't stop me or shut me up, even if I'm wrong or don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I don't know why so many people say they hate me. I have kids and a wife, I live in affluence, in a beautiful house and you're jealous. When I talk about poor people, I don't have a clue, why should I? I may contradict myself constantly but that's part of my charm. Tomorrow or a week from now I won't give a shit about what I'm outraged about today. I use the facts I like and throw the rest away. If you disagree with me on the phone eventually I'll say something rude and won't give you a chance to talk, so call me if you disagree and you'll go to the front of the line. I'm fair, ask my black sidekick Elvira and she's black! Did I mention she's black? She's my go-to-negro. My dad worked harder than your dad. He a Jim dandy crackerjack ace. My mother is a saint and I'll kill you if you say anything bad about her. The trouble with the world today, parents don't use discipline anymore, I had to kneel on rice 2 hours every day! If you poor people weren't so busy with your guns, drugs, welfare programs and irresponsible screwing maybe you could someday hope to be decent parents too but I doubt it. And yes, cops shoot innocent people a lot and most of them are black, but cops, by and large, are good and because I say this I can usually get out of most driving violations. I live for ME, not anyone else. I pretend to care but I don't, it's a job like anything else. I try to hide my contempt for most people behind a mask of righteousness. I hate unions, I love unions, I'm in a union, unions are destroying the country I forget why, I'll have to ask Mike Pinhead coming up next he knows everything too. Thank God I can go home in the early afternoon and know I've, in some small way, made America a better place to live. Being a kiss up, kick down guy is great! Hahahahahah, what a life I have. I even claim to be an investigative reporter, I wouldn't know a fact if it womped me upside my head. You stupid mindless drones, hahahahahha ... Now a word from our sponsors ... Mostly that charlatan hypnotist guy ... hahahahaha ... he has as good a racket as I do ...
08:26 | Permalink | Comments (4) | Email this
Comments
I will follow you anywhere. Tell me more. I can't figure out who to hate anymore without your wisdom. That alone makes me hate myself and love you more. The vomit you spew is my only food. Please never stop Mr. Disembodied Radio Voice Talking Head TV Guy. I'll believe anything you say. I need to. I can't think of anything to believe myself. I can't think at all. Thinking serves no purpose. I serve no purpose. Please hate me next.
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