03/17/2011

The Arty Biffman Show

Arty:

Hello, this is Arty. What do you want to talk about?

Caller:

I just want to say that you're the greatest Arty.

Arty:

That's been well established caller, do you have anything else?

Caller:

... welfare, taxes, republican drivel, litany of republican  talking points, etc., etc.

Arty:

Great call, caller thanks.

Arty:
As you know I'm a Independent so I'm in no way biased. If you believe otherwise, you're ignorant or a hater. I make a lot of money so don't mess with me. I'm King of the Hill here. Some of my best friends are police. I love police. I'd like to be sodomized by a whole bunch of young, handsome cocks, I mean cops.I can say whatever I want and you can't stop me or shut me up, even if I'm wrong or don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I don't know why so many people say they hate me. I have kids and a wife, I live in affluence, in a beautiful house and you're jealous. When I talk about poor people, I don't have a clue, why should I? I may contradict myself constantly but that's part of my charm. Tomorrow or a week from now I won't give a shit about what I'm outraged about today. I use the facts I like and throw the rest away. If you disagree with me on the phone eventually I'll say something rude and won't give you a chance to talk, so call me if you disagree and you'll go to the front of the line. I'm fair, ask my black sidekick Elvira and she's black! Did I mention she's black? She's my go-to-negro. My dad worked harder than your dad. He a Jim dandy crackerjack ace. My mother is a saint and I'll kill you if you say anything bad about her. The trouble with the world today, parents don't use discipline anymore, I had to kneel on rice 2 hours every day! If you poor people weren't so busy with your guns, drugs, welfare programs and irresponsible screwing maybe you could someday hope to be decent parents too but I doubt it. And yes, cops shoot innocent people a lot and most of them are black, but cops, by and large, are good and because I say this I can usually get out of most driving violations. I live for ME, not anyone else. I pretend to care but I don't, it's a job like anything else. I try to hide my contempt for most people behind a mask of righteousness. I hate unions, I love unions, I'm in a union, unions are destroying the country I forget why, I'll have to ask Mike Pinhead coming up next he knows everything too. Thank God I can go home in the early afternoon and know I've, in some small way, made America a better place to live. Being a kiss up, kick down guy is great! Hahahahahah, what a life I have. I even claim to be an investigative reporter, I wouldn't know a fact if it womped me upside my head. You stupid mindless drones, hahahahahha ... Now a word from our sponsors ... Mostly that charlatan hypnotist guy ... hahahahaha ... he has as good a racket as I do ...

03/15/2011

Mark my words

It's just a matter of time before the first republican spins the nuclear disaster in Japan as a good thing.   Gene